Last night, it was a few minutes before midnight that sleep overtook me, an eternal nocturnal creature. Before going to sleep, I hovered around their room, to hear some sounds, to assure myself they were awake still. They were. Mom and Dad were talking, and were up.

 

I knocked at the door, announced my desire to intrude and was allowed. They were listening to music but the moment I went in, dad turned if off.

I'm generally sure of what I wish to say. But, at almost midnight, knocking at their door, sneaking in, I found myself dumb. Of late, whenever it is their wedding anniversary or birthday, I somehow find myself without words. Words fail me. I try to collect carefully (recall) the most warm expressions, the most poetic lines, even a couplet -- to wish them appropriately (with flowers and hand made greeting cards, as in childhood) and enthusiastically (almost shouting, instead of singing 'happy birthday' that the neighbours would come the next morning to wish mom and dad); As dad switches on the other foot light, the stream of memories, thoughts and emotions, is disturbed and I realize they might be presuming what brought me to their room.

Mom might be even waiting for me to say 'Happy Birthday'. But I couldn't "collect" befitting words -- to wish my mom.

 

And all I asked her was: "Did you show the ear-rings we had bought as your birthday gift, to dad?"

"Yes, I did" was her brief reply.
"Why didn't you try those", I posed being an impatient woman myself.

"Tomorrow" was her one-word reply.

I looked at the wall clock in their room. Another ten minutes for the date to change. I was silent. I wanted to say 'Happy Birthday Mom' but I could not.

 

In the meantime dad moved up from the bed. "Are you bringing another present for her", I asked teasingly. He smiled and went out of the room. Oh! he wanted to give me a moment. Like a dumb lover, I wasted it.

 

I slipped into the bed, lay near her, examining Mom foolishly. Another year has passed safely. She looked so weak and tired. I cursed myself for not being a 'good' daughter. I hated myself for not taking ample care of her so that she looked healthier and more energetic. I am the most worthless daughter, and she the most wonderful mom, I thought. I felt like crying.

I looked at the clock again. Another five minutes to go. I told my heart to say it...say it then...and move out of the room. But I couldn't. I could not find words that could express my gratitude to the woman for being my mom, my friend, sometimes also a mentor, at times a partner in crime, and also a critic. Are there words to convey how indebted I felt -- for she had been nourishing me since she conceived me and I was, like a creeper, nurturing myself selfishly. I looked at her face again. I wanted to kiss her and say 'Happy Birthday Mom'. I wanted to hold that tear in the eye...I did not wish to cry.

 

I came out of the frenzy. Almost as a reflex, my eyes fell at the clock again, trying to figure out the time. In the dim light of the room and the streaks of a few beams of early dawn breaking through the window, I realized it was 5 am and that I had slept in their room, next to Mom.

 

I am in my room now. I hear the music flow out of her room, reaching my ears. She is up. The computer screen blurs at times. I am still struggling to contain those tears in my eyes.

 

I google searched and selected a poem (written by some one else, for his/her mom) to help me convey my love and gratitude to mom. Written by Helen Steiner Rice, it is titled "A Mother's Love":

                                                        

She is one of the most beautiful women I know. She is the one, under whose love and care each moment I grow. She is one of the strongest  and yet so gentle and pure.

 

The sandal incense fills up my nostrils to convey that She's already had a word with the Gods. Of late she is not keeping good health. And it fills me with fear. When I should be wishing her a happy birthday, all that crosses my  mind is how long would she be near.

 

I have already ordered flowers to be delivered at 10 am; I have placed an order for a peach cake; I plan to take her out in the evening, and be back home for a special dinner -- for the two (dad and mom). But I haven't done what I should be doing. 

 

I am still searching the right way, the most appropriate way -- to wish my Mom a Happy 55th Birthday!!